Thursday, February 21, 2019

Remembering Mr. X

Hi blog family!

I had a great birthday, thank you for the wishes, please sign up to our blog and check our website: www.fosterkidsuniteinc.com

Today marks the 54th anniversary of Malcolm X assassination. I remember being born in a time of loss, loss of great men such as Mr. X.
 I always think on my birthday, February 9th,  how, because of Mr. X, I can do anything! Because of him, my hair is beautiful and I am great as me.

Before him, our leaders sat idol and in my eyes did little to stop the horrors of the killings, hangings, and mistreatment of black folk.
 When he came on the scene, he put America on notice that we cannot sit idle while another cold-blooded KKK member wrongs us or our government dehumanize us.
As a kid, I knew that when I heard the name Malcolm X, justice for us would come, "by any means necessary"!

 I am SO thankful for Mr. X, sacrificing his family, his time, his love of people and fairness, to make sure that we can be or do anything our heart desires, no matter what color, thank you Mr. X

T

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Foster Kids Should Never Have to Appreciate What Youre Doing For Them



Credit: This was a great article, written by, W.R.Cummings,  for Phych Central on December 29th, 2018.

I wanted to share because I also tell my donors, this sometimes is a thankless job, we give because it's in our hearts, not for accolades or thanks. We can teach our foster youth to say thank you, but in the meantime, let's hope giving love will lead to a thank you.

Becoming a foster parent is not a decision to take lightly. It’s true that some foster kids come with destructive behaviors, aggression, and just generally bad habits. There’s a reason they came into care, and it’s often because of neglectful...

So when thinking about becoming a parent to these kiddos, it IS important to take into consideration how their behaviors might impact the lives of you and your family members.

HOWEVER….

When you make the choice to become a foster parent and choose to let the first foster child into your home, it’s important to remember that you made that choice and not the child.



Every time you have to put up with one of their behaviors, remember that you chose to deal with that. Every time you have to feed them, clothe them, or drive them to ten million appointments, remember that you committed to doing that before the first kid even walked through your door. When you have to wake up with them in the middle of the night because they have nightmares or they’re throwing up (even if it’s fake), you agreed to that.

Anything you’d do for your own child, whether by choice or by necessity, you also agreed to do for this child.

It’s not their fault they’re in foster care. It’s not their fault you have to buy twice as many groceries as you used to. It’s not their fault you have to drive them to therapy every week, even though they won’t say a word to the therapist. It’s not their fault they hate you. It’s not their fault they don’t like mushrooms. It’s not their fault your pets annoy them. It’s not their fault they don’t like your kids.

None of this is their fault. They didn’t ask for any of this.

And every single thing you do for them, you do it because you CHOSE to. Because you wanted to make a difference in the world.

You didn’t sign up for fostering because you wanted to be thanked and hugged every day. (Or at least, you shouldn’t have. You’d be an idiot to sign up for that reason because it rarely happens.) You also didn’t sign up for it with the expectation that these kids would recognize all the things you’re doing for them. (Again, you shouldn’t have. They have no idea all the things you’re doing for them because they’re kids and NONE of them understand all of what goes into parenting.)

You didn’t sign up for this because of you. You signed up for this because of THEM.

They won’t say thank you.
They won’t even know why they should say thank you.
And they really shouldn’t have to.

Your own kids wouldn’t say, “Hey, thank you for staying up all night to make this stupid ugly sweater for my Christmas party, which I chose not to wear at the last minute because it’s itchy.”

They’d be excited about it, put it on, and change their mind just like a foster kid would. And you wouldn’t have any resentment toward them for that. You’d be annoyed, but you’d do it again next time. You wouldn’t punish them emotionally for the rest of the day, and you wouldn’t try to make them feel small.

Foster kids should be allowed to act as normal and ungrateful and impulsive as every other kid on the planet does. Teach them to show appreciation for what they have, but don’t teach them that they don’t deserve the rights of a normal child.

Give them more than what’s required. Do more for them than the bare minimum. Love them with so much vigor that they’ll understand what relationships should look like when they go home.








Tanya

Executive Director

FosterKidsUniteInc@gmail.com

914-646-4638

www.fosterkidsuniteinc.com

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

FosterKidsUnite, Inc.: Advice for Abandonment Depression

FosterKidsUnite, Inc.: Advice for Abandonment Depression: Disclaimer: I am in no way doctor nor therapist,  Hey blog family!! have you checked our new site: www.fosterkidsuniteinc.com also if ...

Advice for Abandonment Depression

Disclaimer: I am in no way doctor nor therapist, 

Hey blog family!!
have you checked our new site: www.fosterkidsuniteinc.com also if you are looking for a family member or want to know your story check out www.unearthingyouroots.org, they helped me find my grandpa's family and 760 cousins, way too many to contact!! 
lol back
to advice, I am NOT a therapist, nor do I claim to heal. This is solely my advice only and not intended for any other purpose but for readers who were in foster care, to think, process and know that everything will be alright if we learn to breathe and release!


But I am...
 a former foster youth who was abandoned by my addict mom, whom I am thankful for her letting us go to strangers because she somehow knew that her love for heroin and alcohol, were too strong for her to make good choices.
While she made a good choice, in that we were no long malnourished, alone, neglected or without food, lights, love, and hugs, I was abused by two monster foster brothers in the foster care, her choice was still a good one but a choice that still eats at my very soul.
 I am the most level-headed person I know, but thought, if I still work through these issues, imagine how many fosters and former fosters who never got help, studied Psychology nor realized they were highlighting" their own problem. Healing is always possible IF YOU do the work!!

I write about something rarely talked about, "abandonment depression", (don't look it up in Webster, to my knowledge, I made up the term to define; how we feel when given away from the person that gave you life.
"Abandonment depression" is even more prevalent when you have birth family or siblings and cannot make any connection with them, due to separation, (again abandoned) and outcast from your tribe, you are left to fend for yourself with no backup, love or support, except those you encounter and learn to make your own tribe.
For those that do not find a tribe to fit into, or who never work through the pain this abandonment leaves in your heart, drugs, self hatred, self hurt and hurting of others are possible IF you are not mindful and in love with yourself enough NOT to allow any feelings or things to draw you in that is not in line with winning and living the best life you deserve.

I recently talked with a friend who also grew up in foster care, he too has had this form of depression, since the day he was given to strangers. I never knew, as he was always smiling, funny, kind and helping others.
Talking with former foster youth, who are now adults, we all secretly experience this "cloud", no matter how great life is, if we are married, in love,  with kids, rich, even happy, nothing replaces mom and the fact that not one family member came for you, leaving you with strangers, can be mind-boggling.

First, be clear, just because you are depressed does NOT mean, you need or want to hurt yourself, or anyone else, in fact, anyone who was abandoned by a birth mother, even if adopted or raised with other families, would "feel" this loss or sense of abandonment.  OFten we are fueled to greatness as our best source of" revenge" if you will.
Everyone wants to be around a winner, many of us have gone on to become top performers. Keep in mind even at Steve Jobs level, the pain seems to lurk or "hover", we just learn to adjust and not let it rule our lives.

When you mention the D word, (depression), often the therapist will tell you,  that you "need" meds or that something is "wrong", I beg to differ. (I understand for those who want to hurt themselves or others, that they MAY need medicine IF they are not attending therapy and working through childhood issues. You cannot get better and move forward IF you are not processing what happened to you and how it made you feel and affected ALL of your current actions! 
You are human experiencing human feelings. My hats go off to anyone who has been given away, left, or has lost a mom.
Mother gives you life, she is your first love, so if it is not healthy, safe or nurturing, it will require mental work to heal and move forward.
It will require you to know that while the love of your life, ie Mom,  had to give you away or leave, they were often only a vehicle to get YOU here!
With that in mind, you are where the universe needed you to be and now it is up to YOU to process, heal, move forward to YOUR greatness, so that YOU may HELP others in similar situations.
You, with YOUR story, may heal a cutter, may save or change a life of someone who thought they should not be here, your story is powerful, your story is needed and YOU must find a way to know that you are the greatest thing on this planet because God made you and he made it so that ALL things here, are needed in this life for some lesson to others. The good, the bad and the ugly, ( old western talk) :)

IDEAS & WAYS TO COPE:

1. have faith - God (the universe if you don't believe), carried you this far! Have faith that you will keep courage, (you had it to get here), keep love and kindness in your heart ALWAYS!
*We become what we think we are....think of yourself like a king or queen, (better to think high than too low).
2. Talk - talk talk talk OR Therapy
You must process what has happened to you; if you were adopted, fostered or stayed in the orphanage, group home, you must talk about it to someone, perhaps a therapist, (they are pro at helping you find the core issues and can teach you to work through your issues or coping skills), a friend or sibling. I believe God made the latter two because he knew you needed a friend!
3. Another form of getting it all out, writing!!
 write in a journal daily.
 Writing is a great way to feel better, I often get lost in my screenplays, poems or journaling.
If you can't talk it out, writing is a great way; write the next great screenplay, poem or just write in a journal that only you see until maybe one day you make it into a book and publish it free on creatspace.com!! Your story, speaking or writing, will inspire others to move forward when times seem impossible!
4. Create: Art, make some jewelry like Harry Winston, design like Steve McQueen or Yves St. Laurent, paint like Dali, play ball like Jordan, teach like Dr. Betty Shabazz, play Tennis like Serena, speak like Maya or sing like Celine, act like Robert Deniro or Denzel, make others laugh like Dave or Carol Burnett, whatever your gift/talent God gave you, use it to work through issues!
 Often, we are given talents that, if realized and utilized, will catapult us to our greatness, in spite of anything bad that happened in our lives!
5: Meditate/Pray: listen to what God has to say, I love attending Croton Valley or Brooklyn Meetinghouses,  for their silence.
Often we don't listen to ourselves, "instincts", so you cannot listen to your higher power IF you are not still or taking a long walk in nature or silence. Learn to pray, ask the universe/God for whatever you want and need, because you believe it, it will happen.
6. Yoga stretch: youtube this word, not only will you become more flexible, you will learn the art of listening to your body.
7. Love, yourself first! Always protect your heart and your mind! Wake every day telling yourself, (until you believe), that ANYTHING you went thru, shall pass... think of ancestors who survived slavery, holocaust, potato famine, think of YOU, who survived this far, clearly, you are a warrior! Learn to love yourself, forgive yourself, forgive others, (you don't need to have tea with them but forgive enough to see your growth from the issue. Do whatever is healthy that will allow you to move forward and love yourself.
You are worthy, you are the love, you deserve love and happiness!

*Every time life knocks you in a corner or down, think like the greatest fighter, Muhammed Ali, all of his sayings were to build his mind into knowing he was the greatest! If you don't love you, how can you expect someone else to respect or love you?
 I love ME, no matter what anyone says. Love you, protect your mind and you will survive anything, think of your ancestors!!
Many died so that YOU can have choices, many died so that YOU could live your best life. You are perfect just as you are!

Former Orphans or kids without mom or dad raising them:
Jesus, Eddie & Charlie Murphy, Tiffany Haddish, Dr. Ruth, Jamie Fox, Marilyn Monroe, Eartha Kitt, Biles, Monroe Martin, to name a few who were in foster care or raised by a family member

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Turkey Time

Hi blog family!



sending love to all our ancestors for this Turkey Day! It should be a time to reflect on all those who died so that we could love, eat and converse together, without being burned, hanged or a beaten.

As you reflect this holiday, remember it is NOT about YOU, its about being grateful for all you have and HOW you acquired it, our ancestors paved the way for all of us, black or white, we are all benefiting from our ancestor's sacrifice. How do you repay them? By being the best you! By helping others, even when you don't appear to have much! By gracing someone with a smile, cheering their day!
It does not take much to help another, only effort and action. My kids and I use to cook a big meal and go around NYC and give out food to those less fortunate, and then we would come home and celebrate the fact that we could share what little we had to put a smile on someones face.

Remember, it is NEVER about you, we are only vehicles, (like our parents that birthed us), What car are you driving and take good care of it no matter the model, it will serve many...the meaning of holidays, to help others xo

T
ps. any foster youth aging or aged out and in college can ask for a gift box" for the December holiday, just have your social worker contact us or you reach out 914-646-4639 or Fosterkidsuniteinc@gmail.com

*donors if you want to drop off any toiletries, small blankets, socks, school supplies before November 30th you can do so at two of our locations:

 Mount Kisco Public Library on Main St in Mount Kisco, OR

at Starbucks on S MogerAvee across from the Mount Kisco Train station!

your first week in a group home or foster care?